The Committee

December 23, 2005

I have always thought of Indians as living in largely male-dominated societies. My experience is that of the women congregating around the kitchen, or covering their heads at religious gatherings, or giving up their careers for the men in their lives. Now, given that I have spent over 25 years of my life in the U.S. I would say that this is mostly through my observations over the years in the U.S. What I have seen in India parallels this closely and lends credence to those who believe that societies have more to do with the people who compose it rather than the country in which it exists.

I remember a conversation with a friend’s husband in the U.S. regarding his desire to purchase a new car. I merely stated that he should go ahead and get one if he felt that he needed it. He had been having a series of troubles with his car and this was certainly a necessity rather than frivolousness. He looked at me a little sheepishly and stated that the request was “up before the committee.” We both laughed as I knew immediately that the committee was his wife and my friend. Although he was the breadwinner in the relationship, it was clear that the division of power hinged on much more than mere financial contribution.

Back in Mumbai, I continued apartment hunting alone with the agent as my husband had already seen many of these places and needed to go in to work. As the agent probed me about the flats, it became increasingly obvious to him that I kept reverting back to two that were slightly above our budget (as dictated by my husband’s posting). He was masterful when he subtly suggested that I ask my husband to talk to his manager about increasing the budget. And he was outright sly when he handed me the fodder for that conversation by casually stating that someone else who was in Mumbai for a one year posting had a bigger budget (although he did not have a family).

Regardless of country and maybe even nationality (as my non-Indian friends may attest) it appears that although men still tend to have most of the explicit power in society they can’t make most decisions without the approval of a one woman committee.

Survival

December 22, 2005

Today we went out to look at apartments. Having decided against lugging two small children around for days of apartment or flat hunting (as they say here) my husband was good enough to do a first pass over the prior two days and short list a few candidates. The driver was to take the kids and myself to meet my husband, the real estate agent, and the office manager from his work in Bandra. Our hotel is located in Lower Parel, in central Mumbai. The distance is not supposed to be too great but I'm finding that going anywhere in Mumbai takes at least 30 minutes.

Ten minutes in the air-conditioned car stuck in traffic and both kids were knocked out. What is it about cars and kids falling asleep? We used to take the kids for a drive in the car when they couldn't sleep when we were in the U.S. and ironically it seems to work here too. However, a major difference is that in the U.S. it was the steady rolling of the car that put them to sleep while here they seemed to have found some rythmn in the ever-present possibility of a collision, the constant stopping and starting, and horns blaring in the traffic around them.

As I looked outside there seemed to be constant action. Curtains that served like doors on the makeshift shanties that sprang up from a mish mash of cloth and steel and brick and whatever else would withstand the elements waved open in the wind revealing block after block of women mixing "who knows what" in steel vessels, men squatting in circles chatting earnestly to one another, and small children with tangled hair climbing over rickety walls in search of something. Although not much to speak of, these shelters were certainly bustling with activity.

Ironically, we cut short our "short list" of apartments since it was taking so long...the traffic, picking up keys, feeding hungry children, getting in and out of two cars all seemed to take so long. At the end of the day, we say only 6 of the 11 places that we planned to see and would have to go out again tomorrow.

I am sure if others were to watch us getting in and out of the car and walking through apartments, and discussing what we liked and didn't they would think that we were busy too. However at the end of the day I felt that we didn't get as much done today as we were used to accomplishing in the U.S. Can't figure out if it was the traffic, the pace or what? I couldn't help but wonder if many of the people that we passed during our drive accomplished what they wanted to. But as I compared their "homes" to the "homes" that we were considering I realized that it is all relative. Mere survival was an accomplishment for them.

Education

December 17th 2005

It was a little chaotic getting to the hotel from the airport with 13 pieces of luggage, 2 children, and a husband (just kidding). Actually my husband Bob was arranging all while I was standing around with the kids trying to gauge how I was going to survive in this city where somehow 6 people had now become involved in the task of getting our luggage into a couple of cars. They all had different ways of doing it, they all wanted some compensation and they all spoke only broken English. In the midst of this chaos, a young beggar boy not much older than Sandrine was looking for a handout. My husband went in one of the cars with half the luggage and I went in the other with the rest of the luggage and Nikhitita and Sandrine. We would be driving from the north side of Mumbai (where the airport was located) to the center of the city which is where our hotel was situated.

On the way to our temporary hotel (where we would stay for approximately a month) before moving into our "permanent" housing I passed the time talking to our driver, Srinivas. The girls has fallen asleep tired of the travel and heat. Turns out that he was also from the South (as were we) and he had 4 children. He had moved from Chennai to Mumbai for work some 40 years ago and was settled here now. He had a great pride in his voice as he told me that the oldest son (all were boys) was studying in University. He also told me that he went back to Chennai to visit his parents every three years as it was too expensive to go more often.

I nodded with understanding. When I was younger we didn't go to India that often. My parents (both with higher education degrees - Ph.D. and M.S.) had come to the U.S. later than most of their generation and wanted to save for their children's educations.

As she moved restlessly in her sleep, I looked over at my sleeping Sandrine who would be four in March, realizing as I did that this was her third trip to India. She had already gone to India the same number of times that Srinivas would in a decade.

Every parent wants better for the next generation than their own. I suppose that this holds true regardless of caste, creed, or occupation. Although they had very different backgrounds, when it came down to it Srinivas was no different than my parents in believing that education offered the promise of a better life and both bestowed that gift on their children at the cost of seeing their own parents.

Fortune

December 15th 2005 - December 17th 2005

So, today my family and I left the Bay Area, California to embark on a one year long adventure in India. It felt a little strange to be travelling in the comfort and extravagance of business class to a country where so many of the people live in abject poverty. But that didn't stop me from leaning back on fluffy pillows, enjoying crabcakes, and sipping cocktails. Travelling with two small children, a 3.5 year old and a 10.5 month old mitigated some of the enjoyment but by no means was I roughing it.

My 3.5 year old, Sandrine, passed the time watching animated movies over and over again. Thank goodness for on-flight entertainment and the small child's comfort in repetition! Several of the flight attendants took a liking to my 10.5 month old, Nikhitita and one in particular spent time talking to me. It was evident that she liked children and seeing no ring I assumed that she was a happy go lucky single girl in her mid to late twenties enjoying the nomadic lifestyle of a flight attendant. As she cooed and caaed with Nikhitita her facade came down and revealed a married woman who had suffered one miscarriage and who yearned for a child of her own. Suddenly I felt blessed instead of annoyed to have two healthy children talking through "Wedding Crashers" and interrupting my 3 course meal.

The trip was a gentle reminder that fortune comes in many forms. There is richness that comes through material wealth and there is the richness of love that you can only find in family. I would take the latter over the former any day.